DAD and the BOYs barge in the kitchen door. MOM, seated at the table, quickly closes a woman-seeking-woman craigslist.org personals add window, while in her best attempt at nonchalance, clicks the first ‘recipe’ link supplied by the internet’s search engine. With beads of sweat gathering at her temples, she forces a warm motherly smile for her male roommates.
BOY 2
(as if he even cared)
Hey Mom.
BOY 1
(more of a command than a question)
What’s for dinner?
DAD
(in contempt says nothing)
MOM
(as cool as a cucumber?)
Uh… I was just thinking about that.
In a miraculous flash of horror, a small white figure materializes and begins flailing its appendages on the nearest keys of MOM’s laptop. Quickly finishing its deed, the vandal reels back from the keys, to reveal its true form: a severed and bloody HAND. Yet, this is not another one of MOM’s hallucinations for lo; the HAND’s palm bears the mark of the Stigmata. It is now known that this is the hand of God! In a fleeting glimpse, He is gone into the void.
Simultaneous with His disappearance, an Internet window displaying the words Visit Italy and Click coupled with an image of the Leaning Tower of Pisa flashes onto the screen. A melody of angels' harps chimes in mono, clearing the dust and lint from the laptop’s clogged speakers.
MOM
(like a 100ft water-slide baptism and exorcized of all homosexual cravings, she interprets GOD’s word) Italian.
NARRATOR
Thinking Italian tonight? Hamburger Helper has six delicious flavors; like lasagna.
With the miracle feast set before them, MOM, DAD, and the BOYs fork heaps of the day’s communion into their mouths, enlightening their souls and filling their minds with a mixed sense of love and power – the sort of frenzied excstasy one achieves in a berserker's rage as droplets of blood trail, in slow motion, from an iron axe swept with divine precision through the naked flesh of all that stand in your way.
Meanwhile, an omnipotent HAND smiles down upon His creation.
NARRATOR
Hamburger Helper. One pound. One pan. One happy family.